Dear Mr Mugabe
Given that the entire world’s leaders have foolishly decided to criticise your magnificent election, I shall take it upon myself to congratulate you on a job well done! Goodness knows nobody else will be calling you (assuming the phone lines still work?) with warm wishes.
It has been a hard and tough-fought campaign. The opposition ran a crooked and evil competition, but ultimately the will of the people was truly reflected in your absolutely overwhelming victory at the polls. The people have spoken! They want you! Again…
…you might have run unopposed, but that’s a minor formality in the face of your glorious triumph, placing you at the pinnacle of democratic expression. Those whiner-babies at the MDC could not put a dent in your old-school, down-to-earth style and sheer charisma. Allegations of mass-murder, rape and general tomfoolery by your hired goons are rightfully dismissed as simple diversionary tactics by the opposition.
I can sympathise with your struggle. It’s not easy running a country that has been driven to the dirt by those no good white devils, intent on pillaging our wonderful state with their irrigation techniques, foreign aid infused with genetically-modified poisons and their foreign-inspired notions of ‘good governance’. No, your complete victory at the polls is because of your exemplary leadership, your refusal to allow any manner of foolishness into your economic policies, your stellar adoption of agrarian reform and your fair and just attitude towards democracy would be worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize, if that award itself weren’t tainted with the hands of Europeans.
So on this, your magnificent democratic triumph I congratulate you. May you reign long, may the people ever enjoy the warmth of your pragmatism and may democracy never die in your fantastically-liberated country. I hope your example truly serves as a beacon for other African leaders who rely on archaic methods of governance handed down to them by their colonial masters.
Hugs, Kisses and a .50 BMG Between the Eyes
John
(Source)
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