Mandebvhu Talks “Zimbabwe”…

A recurring theme on this blog is how the British media in particular long ago descended into a deep racial miasma over Zimbabwe. Other Western media are only a little bit less so.

The reason that media goes off the handle over Zimbabwe, and over Robert Mugabe in particular, is not because the country’s problems, as bad as they are, are the worst world crisis, but because Mugabe has made no secret that the country’s troubled racial and colonial history very much inform his world view and actions. More so than any other leader in modern times, he has pilloried the creeping revision of British colonialism as a sort of gentle, benign enterprise by good white people ‘helping’ the backward natives. And he has not been shy or diplomatic in doing so.

This is unheard of, a breaking of all the unspoken rules. Of course the British understand that the Africans cannot have the view of their subjugation as being one they should remember fondly. But the ‘deal’ that almost all African countries have made with their former colonial powers is that if they behave themselves and talk and act like good boys and girls, they will be rewarded with handouts and ‘development aid.’ And the really good natives might even qualify for a ’state visit’ by some British minister. The best natives might even be invited to Buckingham Palace in order to enjoy the privilege of bowing before the English queen.

Most African leaders, including Mugabe in the days when he was still a good native, find these kinds of inducements simply irresistable. One of the continuing scars of colonialism on the African psyche is to have ambivalent feelings about the former colonial master but still pine for his approval. Mugabe only rejected this when he himself was rejected by the British for who he once had a sick, slavish affection for increasingly being ‘wayward’ in his speech and actions, especially against Zimbabwe’s once all-powerful white farmers.

This breaking of the rules of engagement that are accepted by most of Africa’s weak, donor-dependent states is why the British political and media establishment so revile Mugabe, not that he is a cruel, ruthless despot to his own people.

So outraged have that UK establishment become over the outspoken Mugabe they cannot think straight on anything to do with Zimbabwe. The racial feelings Mugabe stokes in them are so strong that they are largely incapable of any longer being able to analyse Zimbabwe calmly and outside the straitjacket of their deep Mugabe antipathy.

Here is an interesting story from the Scotsman newspaper. It is tragic, but also a funny illustration of what I mean about racial feelings being on full display in how much of the British and other Western media writes on a lot of aspects of The Zimbabwe Crisis.

Farmer’s daughter mauled by Zimbabwe ‘guard lions’

An eight-year old Zimbabwean girl was mauled by a lion and a lioness her white farmer father kept to deter attacks by supporters of the president, Robert Mugabe. Courtney Sparrow, who suffered a hole in her throat and serious injuries to her arms, face and head, has undergone ten hours of surgery in Milpark Hospital, Johannesburg.

Her father, Ron Sparrow, one of a handful of whites still farming in Zimbabwe, said he used the lions after the farmhouse in Zimbabwe’s south-eastern Masvingo district was subject to four attacks by so-called war veterans loyal to Mr Mugabe over the past three months.

The “war vets” began invading and appropriating white commercial farms in 2000, when there were 5,000 white farmers in Zimbabwe: now there are barely 200 on much reduced acreages.

Mr Sparrow told the Afrikaans-language newspaper Rapport that while he was away on business in neighbouring Mozambique, his wife, Margaret, had secured the farmhouse.

But two lions broke through a weak window and the lioness attacked Courtney. A domestic worker, whom Mr Sparrow did not name, was injured when she tried to rip Courtney from the lioness’s grip. When Courtney tried to run away, she was attacked by the male lion. A black farm labourer, also unnamed, beat off the lion with a stick.

Courtney was first taken to a Zimbabwean hospital but it had no painkillers.

I could have understood the ‘whiteness’ of the girl being mentioned in passing, since the angle the paper chose was to illustrate this as yet another manifestation of how ‘Mugabe’ has caused Zimbabwe’s once all-dominant, poor rich white farmers great misery. But her whiteness is not centrally material to what happened to her or to relating the import of the story. The emphasis of the fact that she is white therefore comes across as being quite heavy-handed.

The Scotsman’s chosen spin on this story is political, rather than human interest, so it is understandable that they do not delve into the irresponsible recklessness of a man endangering his family’s life by ‘protecting’ them with a pair of wild lions. But for me what leaped out of the story was the utter foolishness of what is carefully, deliberately described as the girl’s “white farmer father” and in the next paragraph, as “Ron Sparrow, one of a handful of whites still farming in Zimbabwe.”

The ‘persecuted white farmer’ angle is far more important to the story as written than the issue of what the hell Sparrow was thinking to have “kept” these dangerous predators as guard animals. But the story makes it clear that so nightmarish is the life of a white farmer in the Zimbabwe of Robert Mugabe that one such white farmer felt driven to the desperate act of ‘hiring’ a pair of untamed lions to ‘protect’ his family from Mugabe’s marauding war veterans.

The blame for the poor girl’s near fatal encounter with the lions is therefore the fault of…you guessed…old Robert Mugabe, not her father’s dangerously reckless decision to ‘keep’ the animals. There you have it: You see what a nasty chap Mugabe is?! Geez, the fellow must be really satanic, driving innocent white farmers to depend on wild lions for a sense of security for their families.

One could ask if the lions were not much more dangerous to Sparrow’s family than any threat from ‘Mugabe’s war veterans,’ but the story did not seek to pursue what would seem an obvious and very relevant question. And while we are often told of how the irresponsible, starving natives are ill-treating and killing the country’s wild life for meat, no question is asked about the propriety or legality of Sparrow “keeping” a pair of prized wild animals as sentries, although those reluctant sentries turned on his own child.

The race of the farm labourer who eventually beat off the lions that broke into the house to attack the child would seem to be totally irrelevant to the story. In any case, we all know that in the plantation model of commercial farming that existed in Zimbabwe, any labourer working for a white farmer would necessarily be black. But for some reason the writer of the story wants to be sure we are in no doubt about this, and is very careful to refer to him as “a black farm labourer.”

The white farmer, his wife and child are all humanised in the story by being named. A ‘domestic worker’ who tried to protect the child and the ‘black farm labourer’ remain nameless, identity-less.Yet these two anonymous characters are the true heroes of the piece, the literal saviours of the child from its ‘white farmer parents’ extremely poor judgment, which almost caused the death of the child.

The story calls for sympathy not so much to the girl who almost died from her parent’s irresponsibility, nor does it focus on the heroics of the two workers, both of whom we can safely assume to be black, although only explicitly (and irrelevantly) told so about the labourer, not the ‘domestic worker.’ No, the one we are strangely called to sympathise with is the white farmer,for having to go to such foolish extremes because of his suffering at the hands of Mugabe’s war veterans!

Don’t tell me the shrill telling of the story of Zimbabwe in “the international media” is mainly about concern for ‘economic collapse’ and ‘human rights’ for the natives. Subliminally or otherwise, it is centrally and primarily a deep racial narrative.

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Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe on Monday said a new unity government would be formed by the end of the week, denying a deadlock in talks with the opposition over key ministries.

“We will be setting up government by the end of the week,” Mugabe said on his return from the United Nations general assembly meeting in New York.

“We never said there was a deadlock.”

Speaking to supporters at the airport, Mugabe said four remaining ministries were referred to negotiators before he left Zimbabwe on September 19.

“We discussed the ministries the day before I left. There were four left which we referred to our negotiators to discuss,” he said.

The 84-year-old veteran leader also warned against outside interference in Zimbabwe’s affairs, days after he called in the UN general assembly for “illegally imposed sanctions” to be lifted.

“We should never tolerate interference in the domestic affairs of our country. We will be very strict, no outsiders will be allowed to follow parties and politics. Any country which does that declares itself an enemy of Zimbabwe,” he said.

The main opposition leader and designated prime minister Morgan Tsvangirai said Saturday it was “urgent” the country form a new government to ensure food supplies and prevent starvation.

“We need to respond to this crisis with utmost urgency. It is therefore imperative that a government be formed in the next few days and begins to implement plans to ensure that our people have food and do not die of starvation,” Tsvangirai said at a press conference in Harare.

The leader of the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) said the food security situation needed urgent attention as there would be “disastrous consequences if we take too long to attend to the crisis.”

Mugabe, in power for nearly three decades, signed an historic accord on September 15 with the opposition that allows him to remain as head of state while Tsvangirai takes up the new post of prime minister.

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The EU’s Aid Commissioner called Thursday for urgent action on Zimbabwe’s dire humanitarian situation as he announced an extra 10 million euros (14.7 million dollars) of aid.

“I am deeply concerned by the continued dramatic humanitarian situation in Zimbabwe. This situation must be addressed urgently,” said European Humanitarian Aid Commissioner Louis Michel.

“This has been recognised by Prime Minister-designate Morgan Tsvangirai as one of the top priorities the Zimbabwean authorities have to tackle in the immediate term.

“This is also a priority for Europe and the European Commission is doing its part to help meet these urgent humanitarian needs,” he added in a statement.

The fresh assistance comes in addition to 15 million euros of food aid the EU’s executive arm made available in Zimbabwe earlier this year.

The aid, is aimed at helping the most vulnerable population groups affected by displacement, epidemics and violence, mainly through providing assistance in the areas of health, water and sanitation.

It is being channelled through the EU Commission’s Humanitarian Aid Department.

Earlier this month, European Union foreign ministers said Zimbabwe’s new unity government had to prove itself democratically before EU sanctions could be lifted and economic aid resumed, but humanitarian aid has not been stopped.

“The EU’s humanitarian assistance is neutral and impartial and not an instrument of politics,” said Michel.

“I expect all restrictions on humanitarian operations to be totally lifted as a result of the recent political settlement. This will allow our assistance to reach all those ordinary Zimbabweans with acute humanitarian needs who have no access to basic foodstuffs, clean water, essential household items, hygiene commodities or basic healthcare.”

Zimbabwe’s economy has been on a downturn for a nearly decade with high unemployment, food shortages and at least 80 percent of the population living below the poverty line.

This has been accompanied by dizzying levels of inflation - now officially at 11.2 million percent.

Germany said Monday it would double humanitarian aid to Zimbabwe after the country’s veteran president Robert Mugabe and the main rival opposition leader Tsvangirai agreed on a deal to share power.

Mugabe and Tsvangirai signed the deal September 15 after months of tough negotiations.

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Zimbabwe’s fragile power-sharing deal faces a new threat amid reports of inter-party violence in parts of the country, APA learnt here Wednesday.

The main opposition Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) said on Wednesday that at least 63 of its supporters have been attacked by militias aligned to the ruling ZANU PF party since the weekend and called on the police to act on the perpetrators of the violence.

It said the bulk of the cases occurred in the populous Harare suburb of Mbare, where more than 61 opposition supporters were attacked at a police station where they had sought refuge after being evicted from their homes.

“The MDC views these cases of political violence that continue unabated as indirectly conflicting with the spirit of togetherness and moving forward as portrayed by the signing of the power sharing deal between the MDC and ZANU PF,” the MDC said.

ZANU PF has repeatedly denied involvement on the cases of violence, accusing the MDC of stage-managing the attacks to tarnish President Robert Mugabe’s image.

Mugabe and MDC leader Morgan Tsvangirai signed a power-sharing agreement on September 15 in a move expected to ease tensions among the arch-rivals and their supporters.

The two rivals are yet to form the unity government after disagreeing last Thursday on how to share the control of key ministries.

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Residents in Zimbabwe’s second city, Bulawayo, have called for government action against a school asking for fees in livestock or fuel coupons.

Those who do not have coupons have been asked to deliver 700 litres of fuel.

One teacher at Petra High School said it was cash-strapped parents who originally wanted to pay in kind.

Though politicians in Zimbabwe signed a power-sharing deal last week, the country is still suffering from an acute economic crisis.

The last official figure given for annual inflation was 11,000,000%. Last month the central bank struck 10 zeros from the currency, making 10bn Zimbabwe dollars equal to one new dollar.

Banks only allow people to withdraw a maximum of 1,000 new Zimbabwe dollars a day.

“If you are paying school fees of 100,000 dollars, that means I will be going to the bank for the next five months to withdraw 1,000 dollars until I reach the requirement amount for fees,” said one parent, Babongile Simanga.

‘Many schools’

Petra High School was not available for comment but two teachers confirmed that if parents failed to raise enough cash, they could pay in whatever they have, including livestock.

It is not clear how many parents have handed over animals, but the practice is said to have been going on for some time.

“It’s not only Petra High school that is doing that,” said Dumisa Tshabalala of Magwegwe township, who has two children at Embakwe High School in the neighbouring province of Matabeleland South.

“Many schools these days are doing it and we should blame the government not schools.”

Cows are the usual method of payment because of their higher value, though poor people in rural areas have also used goats.

Another teacher at Petra High said the decision to ask parents to improvise was taken at a meeting with the school development association.

Most of the parents who attended are said to have agreed because of the cash shortages, but some are now complaining and calling for teachers to be dismissed.

One problem is how to determine the market value of the animal, since cattle sales have ceased amid Zimbabwe’s economic crisis.

Themba Sithole, an official for the Progressive Teachers Union of Zimbabwe, criticised schools demanding fees in the form of livestock or fuel coupons.

“The question here is who is benefiting from this practice. Is it the school or individual teachers or heads?” he asked.

But Eunice Sandi, a former Zanu-PF senator for the Bulilima constituency, said schools should not come under fire.

“We must not blame schools when they ask us as parents to find ways of beating the cash crisis,” she said.

Meanwhile, teachers are demanding that the government pay them US$1,200 a month - or about Z$48,000.

Currently teachers earn Z$1,200, which is about $US35 on the local parallel market.

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Robert Mugabe strutted to the podium of the Harare International Conference Centre, leant on the lectern and spoke off the cuff. He rambled on for 50 minutes like a garrulous, self-important relative at a wedding everyone regrets having given a chance to speak.

They booed and jeered him constantly during his backward-looking, resentful address.

This is the holy of holies where Zanu (PF) holds its congresses, events devoted to days of squirming sycophancy and prostration before His Excellency, the Most Consistent and Authentic Revolutionary Leader. It was clear that it was not going to be like that yesterday, the day that Zimbabwe’s bitter political rivals put their names to an historic power-sharing deal.

As Mr Mugabe talked about the MDC learning from his party’s experience in government, an elderly woman shouted at the once-revered leader: “All you could do was make hunger.” The fear and awe was gone.

In contrast to Mr Mugabe’s reception, Morgan Tsvangirai was welcomed by thundering cheers, whistles and wild waves of the open hand, the salute of the Movement for Democratic Change. Even Arthur Mutambara, leader of the smaller faction of the MDC, was greeted with laughter after he had signed the agreement.

Outside the conference centre was something that has never been seen since the MDC first showed its face to Mr Mugabe nine years ago. A relaxed and cheerful crowd of thousands, MDC and Zanu (PF), not exactly hobnobbing, but cheering side by side.

The Zanu (PF) supporters were in colourful new T-shirts, sporting bright green, red, yellow and black bandanas. The MDC supporters’ red, white and black regalia was old and torn. Doubtless most of it had been retrieved from nooks in township houses where Zanu (PF) mobs could not find them or beat their owners to death.

I took my notebook from my pocket, opened a page and held my pen ready. For the first time in years I was able to do this at an official occasion, while in the midst of a crowd of Zanu (PF) supporters. I excused myself to pass through them. “Please pass, sir,” they said.

One Zanu supporter stretched out his hand to an elderly woman in a T-shirt bearing the face of Morgan Tsvangirai. “We are one now,” he said. She pushed it roughly away. Most people here have memories of horror.

“We were not forced to come here, like these boys,” she said. “They were given money by Mugabe to come here. We came here on our own, by foot. We don’t want Mugabe.. . . Now Tsvangirai is our executive prime minister and we are happier than happy.”

The same hopeful sentiments were expressed over and over. Ali Paraje said: “I don’t feel at all threatened from today. With this deal we are safe. If anyone tries to attack us, they will definitely be arrested.”

By the time the ceremony was over the MDC supporters outside the main entrance were in a frenzy, chanting “chinja, chinja, chinja, chinja” (change) in the faces of Zanu (PF) supporters.

Outside the locked gates of the complex a volatile crowd of several thousand more were demanding that they be opened. There was a short burst of warning shots and police dogs barked ferociously to keep the crowd at bay.

Suddenly stones the size of golf balls landed – Zanu (PF) youths started an assault on the gates. The police scattered with the rest of the crowd. A young MDC man with a bloody mouth shook his head in disgust.

Retribution against some of the Zanu (PF) supporters started. Between two ornamental bushes, a stocky Zanu (PF) supporter yanked off his T-shirt with Mr Mugabe’s face on it and stuffed it into the back of his trousers. For the past eight years, wearing an MDC T-shirt was an act of bravery. Now the boot is on the other foot.

Wonder Hogo showed me the scar on his left leg where it was broken by Zanu (PF) supporters in 1982 because he refused to go to a rally, and the deep gouge in his back inflicted before the June elections this year. “I am now very happy that we are going to have peace, that we are over with this scourge,” he said.

Something significant had happened here, even if scepticism remained as to what extent Mr Mugabe will relinquish control. A psychological shift had taken place in the past four hours. Suddenly Zanu (PF) were outnumbered, the police were not beating people for wearing MDC T-shirts and Mr Mugabe made an old fool of himself in the conference centre.

A wave of emotion, confidence and strength swept through these people regardless of the detail of the deal that Mr Mugabe and Mr Tsvangirai signed.

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After the hype and glory we heard about a “new dawn” for Zimbabwe this week, the power-sharing deal is already in trouble, and Robert Mugabe is still in charge.

The deal was supposed to be a genuine sharing of executive power that reflected the opposition Movement for Democratic Change’s weighty presidential and parliamentary election victories over ZANU PF.

Instead, it reflected a decision by the facilitator, President Thabo Mbeki, to recognise Mugabe’s bogus and blood-smeared runoff “election” in June and, to a lesser extent, Morgan Tsvangirai’s well-intentioned but naive negotiating skills.

In stating that executive authority vests in the president, the prime minister and the president’s cabinet, the document not only leaves Mugabe in charge, but legitimises him. However, despite its foundations in gross injustice, there were still grounds for optimism at its signing on Monday. That optimism has all but vanished within the space of one week.

As flawed as the deal was, the plans for its implementation, it seems, are even worse. Most glaringly, the deal appears to rely on Mugabe’s goodwill to happen timeously, if at all. This is a man who has reneged on virtually every political deal laid before him, including his shameless about-turn on a new constitution in January. And he has ruthlessly outmaneuvered his opponents on all the other deals, from the British to Joshua Nkomo.

Yet, Mugabe faces no penalties if he breaks the deal.

On the contrary, Mbeki’s arrangement virtually invites Mugabe to delay implementation by providing no deadline for the inception of the transitional government. This week, Mugabe duly cancelled a series of coalition meetings, knowing that the more he delays, the worse the MDC will look for failing to deliver on “their” solution. It also failed to include a clause on how the key ministries would be divided.

A deadlock on the deal was broken last week by an unofficial agreement that, while Mugabe would retain departments such as defence and justice, Tsvangirai would have to take charge of all the conduits to foreign aid, including the departments of finance, foreign affairs and home affairs.

But in a mockery of his signed undertaking to compromise for the sake of the country, Mugabe has now demanded control of all key departments, paralysing the entire deal, and leaving it that way for at least another week by jetting off to the UN.

Having created this new legitimised monster, it is now Mbeki’s responsibility to re-engage the Southern African Development Community to chaperone Mugabe through every step of the implementation of a genuine shared-power government. Failing a tough intervention now, the deal may well be doomed.

For the sake of Zimbabweans and the peoples of Southern Africa, this first step - though flawed - must be protected from Mugabe and his lieutenants.

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Zimbabweans residing in Botswana and some Batswana have expressed mixed feelings about the power-sharing deal signed this week between President Robert Mugabe and two opposition leaders to end the country’s long-drawn political crisis.

Peter, a self-employed 30-year-old technician from Zimbabwe, said the agreement would not change the situation in his country, where the economy has remained comatose as a fallout of the political crisis.

“Transitional governments have never worked in Africa. I am just hoping that this works because I want to go back home,” Peter said.

Going down memory lane, he said Zimbabwe once had a transitional government after its independence.

”Robert Mugabe and the late Joshua Nkomo joined forces and formed a government and at the end of the day, Nkomo’s powers of office gradually diminished and Mugabe took over full power up to now. So it will never work, the same thing is going to happen,” he said.

However, another Zimbabwean who works a refrigerator repairer in Gaborone, Botswana’s capital, said things would change for the better with the deal, though he believes that would take some time.

“It (the agreement) will work out. I am only waiting for things to be fine back home and I am out of this place,” he said on the condition of anonymity.

Explaining his optimism, the Zimbabwean noted: ”Mugabe controls the army and (Movement for Democratic Change leader Morgan) Tswangirai controls the police force and the police have more power than the army, so I don’t see any problem with that.

”There won’t be any more beatings (by the police). We all expected something different but half a loaf is better than nothing,” he added.

Some Batswana interviewed said they don’t believe in transitional governments, even while expressing the hope that it would work in Zimbabwe.

“There is nothing like a transitional government, its either you are in or you are out. I was watching Mugabe’s speech, he was too happy for anyone’s liking like he had a few tricks up his sleeve,” said Tshepo, a Gaborone resident.

”This is what Robert Mugabe wanted all along, that is why he was so happy, he was so happy because he knows that nobody knows what his plan is. Mugabe is in full control and Morgan Tswangirai is just his secretary. Lets just hope it does work,” he said.

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The events of this week mark a milestone in Zimbabwe’s history. The Harare agreement is a breakthrough that represents the country’s last, best chance of averting apocalypse. Sceptics insist that the deal cannot work; but for millions of suffering Zimbabweans, it is a sweet tea. And the risk is now that the international community might inadvertently undermine this source of hope.

It will not be easy to make this deal work and MDC leader Morgan Tsvangirai, Zimbabwe’s new prime minister, has no illusions about the size of the task facing him. In his interview with the Guardian, he spoke of the “inherent suspicion” between the reluctant partners. He also pointed out that not only would he have to handle Mugabe and the ZANU PF, but that he might also face opposition from MDC hardliners who want no truck with Robert Mugabe’s ZANU PF elite.

Tsvangirai will also have to gain the respect of the generals, without becoming one of them. Sooner or later, he will have to make a decision on whether to persuade the military top brass to stand down, or order them to do so. A clash between Tsvangirai and the military is looming and how he handles it will be essential to his political survival. His other immediate priorities will be to bring food, water, sanitation and medicine to the people; reforming the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe, and repealing repressive legislation.

The role of the international community is crucial for the survival of the new unity government, and there is an expectation that the MDC can deliver on foreign investment. But so far the European Union, the United States, the World Bank and International Monetary Fund have given a tepid welcome to the deal, and have stated that the new government must “prove itself”.

What they really mean is that they are upset that Mugabe is still in the picture, and they will not provide aid until Tsvangirai ousts him. Although this response is not unexpected given the decade of hostility between the west and ZANU PF, it is wrong. The west has to abandon the orthodoxy of demonisation.

It ignores the obvious. First, without aid, Zimbabwe will die. Second, the goalposts of Zimbabwe’s politics have irrevocably shifted. Although the agreement is notionally about power-sharing, in reality it sets the seal on the transition of pow er. The process will be lengthy, and fractious - but there can be no going back. Zimbabwe is entering a new era of leadership. Third, Tsvangirai and the MDC have already “proved” themselves - and they carry the scars of struggle to prove this.

Without donor aid, the Harare agreement will become merely a political armistice, a brief interlude in Zimbabwe’s civil war. If Tsvangirai is unable to persuade the donors to unlock their vaults, his usefulness - and shelf-life will be brief. Failure by the international community to recognise the new government, and make at least a symbolic investment, would be to misinterpret Zimbabwean realpolitik and could only be destructive. Mugabe remains a major part of Zimbabwe’s political landscape. His time is passing, but he cannot be wished away - and ZANU PF still holds the knife by the handle.

Tsvangirai, and in turn the Zimbabwean people, should not be punished for signing a deal with Mugabe. Western governments are right to worry about continued violence and corruption in Zimbabwe and they cannot dispense aid willy-nilly, especially during this economic downturn. But the country needs aid, and it needs it now.

The west and ZANU PF will also have to re-establish a relationship. Driving Mugabe underground will only encourage a lethal ZANU PF unilateralism. Travel sanctions on the ZANU PF elite remain in force, but there is no reason why meetings cannot be held in Zimbabwe, or on neutral territory. Just as ZANU PF and the MDC have formed a government of national unity, so too does the international community have to take an inclusive, not sectarian approach to Zimbabwe’s politics of reconstruction. ZANU PF, in turn, must demonstrate that it is no longer addicted to violence.

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Thabo Mbeki: So I hear you are a hero. We needed your heroics most when we still had a country to rebuild. This is eight years too late. Had you not supported your friends all this time we may have been spared all this suffering. You may be covered in laurels, but as far as I am concerned, you are still a first class git.

Bayethe Ngwenyama: The Chairperson of the SADC Organ on Politics, the man whose role is to spearhead good governance in the SADC region, the man who played midwife to our power-sharing deal, his lion kingliness Mswati III, is the last absolute monarch in Africa. He has banned all political parties in his kingdom. Proof positive, if we needed it, that irony is alive and well and living in the Rainbor Towers.

Praise poets: There should be a new law in our new Zimbabwe: all praise poets are kindly requested not to go within a two-kilometre radius of a microphone. What on earth was that racket?

Ian Khama: Speaking of poems, here are some words we learned as children at Alfred Beit school: “Ahe Khama, heart of a lion, Ahe Khama, brave in the fight. And then came young Khama, like waters in flood time. Hail, Bamangwato”, or better still, in the timeless words of another orator, “Botswana, Botswana, Botswana, Oh, Oh.” In a word, thank you, Botswana.

Our land-looting judges: How about those judges of ours, who watched the signing ceremony on their recently-acquired plasma TVs. By the way, how embarrassing is it that our judges accept “goodies” like plasma TVs from a munificent government, and it becomes a leading item in the national newspaper? But back to the issue, will they start judging again, or will they continue to squat in caravans on the land they invade, and then rule on the court applications of the farmers whose land they invaded?

NGOs and activists: What, exactly, will happen to the flourishing Zimbabwe grievance industry?

The new MDC ministers: There is a difference between activism and policy-making. We had better pray that the new ministers have a steep learning curve. Still, they can only do better that the last lot. At the very least, they can’t possibly do worse.

Our deputy Prime Minister: Plus ca change, plus ca la meme chose, or, the more things change, the more Arthur Mutambara continues to disappoint. His speech was cringeworthy. A Form Three pupil at an Upper Top would have done better on prize-giving day. Why on earth does he drag out words like that? His handlers should tell him that a little less of the rage would go a long way, all the way to Oxford and back, in fact. On the bright side, his new position means that the Professor will continue to entertain us - as the Clown Prince of Zimbabwean Politics, he will provide light relief from the weighty tasks ahead.

Our Prime Minister: With one speech, Morgan Richard Tsvangirai showed himself to be the statesman the country needs him to be. His speech was full of simple grace and humility. I was moved when he said he knows this is a painful compromise, but his belief in Zimbabwe and its people runs deeper than the scars he bears from the struggle. It was poignant to recall that this is the first time Tsvangirai has been on ZBC television other than as the subject of vilification. Memo to Tsvangirai: wonderful speech, but the delivery could have been better. In the future, you may want to type your speeches in a bigger font, strengthen the prescription of your reading glasses, or invest in a teleprompter; or all three.

Swords to ploughshares: I liked this reference in Tsvangirai’s speech to another, long gone Prime Minister. The “swords to ploughshares” speech was Robert Mugabe’s finest hour. Repeating those words linked our present to our past, and reminded us how far we had come from the heady optimism of those early days.

Our beloved President in Perpetua: We certainly saved the best for last. Has any man so misunderstood the mood of his audience? He was like that drunk uncle at a family wedding. You are supposed to respect him, he is your uncle after all, but the toes of your shoes are just itching to boot him out, and protocol be damned. Could someone please take him by the hand and explain to him how elections work? “The problem with African democracy is that the opposition wants more than it can get. It wants to be the ruling party.” Really, your Excellency? So the opposition should, what, just stay the opposition? Let’s hope his party is content to be the opposition after the next election. And, your Excellency? Bringing up violence and blaming the opposition? Not a smart move.

Unity of purpose: If their speeches are anything to go by, their contributions to the GNU are as follows: the Prime Minister will bring purposeful seriousness, the President will slouch and mumble whatever pops into his head, and the first Deputy Prime Minister will bring sack loads of fun. That is what I call balance.

The Western press: Hello Guardian? The Times? The New York Times? The Independent? The Post? The Australian? Anyone? Globe and Mail? BBC? CNN? Sky news? What happened to the gasping 24 hour coverage on Oh I see, smiling Africans making nice is not as good a story as snarling Africans killing each other? I kept telling you that you had mischaracterised the story, that it was more than just about good versus evil and human rights violations; you were warned that it could be resolved in unorthodox ways, but no, you wouldn’t listen. And now you no longer have a “sexy” point of view from which to cover it. Better luck with the next lot of dying Africans.

Online news websites: “Remember this day: 10/11.” “No, it’s 10/09.” “Eh no, it is 11/09.” No wait, it’s next week.” “DEAL: DEAL: DEAL” “A Beautiful Day in Harare” “New Beginning: Hope in This Man”. “At Last! Thank God Almighty We Are Free At Last”.  Memo to journalists: as a rule of thumb, you know you are overexcited when you are so worked up you no longer know what day or month it is, or you find yourself using the largest and boldest font known to man, or when you use an exclamation mark or invoke a deity in your headline. Calm down, good scribes. This is not the Second Coming.

The Senator for Khumalo: Free advice to David Coltart: Brevity, as the Student’s Companion used to say, is the soul of wit. The time you spent writing long whining screeds of self-justification could be more usefully spent in learning a new skill. I suggest a new language. How about Mandarin Chinese? Better yet, try Ndebele. It has this distinct advantage: most of your constituents speak it.

Our Guv’nor: In the immortal words of Douglas Adams, goodbye, Gideon Gono, and thanks for all the fish. And by fish, I mean the zooming inflation and zhing zhong tractors and price controls and people’s tuckshops and zero after zero and the three-cent religion and dime-store economics.

Our faithful friend: Finally, a word on our most famous guest. There is a man in a mansion in Gunhill who can find no sleep. His pillow is drenched with sweat. His phone calls to important friends go unanswered. They are too busy haggling over portfolios. Everything around him seems bleak and purposeless. He can find no pleasures in ordinary things. Even sugar has lost its taste. Spare a thought, my friends, for Mengistu Haile Mariam, the Terror of Oletta, Lord of the Derg.

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